I lied.

 

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ok so I lied.

Well, not so much lied… but sugar coated the truth of how I am feeling.

About this move. About this impending Shavout holiday.

Today, I can’t even pretend & just have a nice cup of coffee with friends for a few minutes.

I am overwhelmed. overwhelmed. overwhelmed.

Today, while every one is fluttering around,  prepping and cooking for my all time favorite holiday….I am crying.

tears just seem to keep rolling down my eyes.

no matter how i try to hold it together.

in the car on the way home from dropping off Tunie B.

in the parking lot for 15 minutes in shoprite plaza.

thank god for sunglasses.

in my house as i unpack.

memories are just everywhere.

despite all my efforts to “make the best of things”

its B.S….

there is no best of things…

right now…it just hurts. its just sad. it just SUCKS.

i am crying.

endless tears.

will they ever stop.

is there such a thing as someone crying to much?

last year I was hosting.

2 families at every meal.

last year i loved & enjoyed every minute of this holiday.

today i wish…. it was tuesday.

next week.

I know it is not helpful… can’t help but think…

What is he feeling?

Does he have any moments of remorse about this?  Does his heart hurt as much as mine does…

everyday?

especially …now…before a holiday?

Last year, things were good between us at this time…very good.

how did it all go so bad….so fast?

or was I living in a dream.

i am thinking of making carrot cake today.

at starbucks this morning someone brought a sample of theirs that they just made.

it was not mine.

i have all the ingredients sitting on my counter.

I probably will eat the whole thing by myself this year.

Carrot Cake & Cream Cheese Frosting

For Cake:

1 ½ cups grated carrots

1 ½ cups flour

¾ cups sugar

¾ tsp baking soda

1 tsp cinnamon

Pinch of salt

½ cup vegetable oil

2 eggs, lightly beaten

1 tsp. pure vanilla extract

½ cup chopped walnuts

½ cup shredded coconut

½ cup crushed pineapple, unsweetened and drained

Cream Cheese Frosting:

2 oz. cream cheese, softened at room temperature

1 ½ tbsp.unsalted butter softened at room temperature

¾ cups confectioners’ sugar, sifted

½ tsp pure vanilla extract

½ tsp. lemon juice

Directions:

Preheat oven to 375 degrees.

In a separate bowl, grate the carrots and set aside.

In a bowl of your mixer fitted with paddle attachment, sift the flour and add the sugar, baking soda, salt and cinnamon. On low speed, add the oil, vanilla, and eggs one at a time. Blend well. Remove the bowl from the mixer.  Using a rubber spatula, fold in the carrots, nuts, coconut and pineapple, making sure all ingredients are well combined.

In a well-greased muffin pan, spoon out the carrot cake batter ¾ of the way up. Bake for about 20 minutes or until center comes out clean.

While carrot muffins are baking prepare the cream cheese frosting. In a mixing bowl fitted with paddle attachment, add softened cream cheese, butter and confectioners’ sugar. Blend on medium-high speed until creamy and smooth. Add vanilla and lemon juice and blend well. Set aside until you are ready to frost the muffins.

After muffins have cooled completely, generously frost the top of the muffins with cream cheese frosting. For a nice garnish, grate extra carrot on top of frosting.